Love thy Frenemy

Your biggest competition is your friend

All images are from my trip to Wimbledon 2024

I am inspired. I just finished binge watching the whole Carlos Alcaraz documentary and I feel refreshed, motivated and challenged. Definitely go and watch it, there is a lot to learn about and from him. But for the purpose of this blog, I want to focus on the concept of a frenemy. The supposed enemy, rival, competition that you keep close. The one that challenges you to be the best, while also reminding you that you’re not the best. Everyone needs a frenemy, here is why.

Before we get into this, let’s establish something. A frenemy is not an enemy disguised as a friend. That is just ew — we don’t like, nor do we want that. We usually know who these people are in our life, yet for whatever reason we come up with excuses to keep them around. These are not the frenemies I am referring to. As crazy as it may sound, it is great to have an upfront competitor that you can maybe call friend.

Sports

I love a good documentary — the only thing I love more than regular documentaries are sports documentaries. They just unlock a level of grit, motivation and self-belief inside me. One thing I have noticed about many sports documentaries is that no matter how competitive the players may be on the court, they still have good words to say about each other. Oftentimes we are taught to see the competition as an enemy, a threat, the one thing standing in between you and a win. While I noticed that sports players, the greatest sports players, view them as a healthy challenge — an opportunity even. They can yell during the match, but they will shake hands. The Alcaraz documentary featured many other tennis players, particularly Jannik Sinner who was one of his biggest challenges when playing. I noticed how they each addressed the competition between them, but also spoke so highly of each other with respect and admiration. They understood the balance between identifying each other’s weaknesses, while also appreciating their drive and determination. When reaching a level where you are playing against someone else that understands this, win or lose, you have already won. It is almost an honour to lose in such a way when you can respect your opponent.

Fashion

There are similar patterns in fashion too. In fact, not just fashion — every successful person has their fair share of frenemies — fashion will be the last example I focus on but you are free to adapt this to your own industry. When reading Edward Enninful’s book A Visible Man, I was constantly shocked by how many people he knew. You may be thinking, of course he knows many people, he was the editor of British Vogue! Well, I am talking about before that, before all the titles, awards and recognition — when he was just young Edward. Fashion is connected and led by a bunch of individuals who rose together in their respective industries at the same time. A photographer may know a stylist who may know a designer who may know a makeup artist — they all came together and extended helping hands. There is a narrative that people in fashion are mean — well, we are all people with the ability to step on toes — but the people who are really making moves, you actually have to be nice to people because why on earth would they want to be around you, let alone help you.

You can be a designer and still support another designer. You can be a journalist and still recommend another journalist. You can be at the top of your game, and still have equals.

Benefits

There are many benefits of keeping a frenemy; I narrowed it down to three.

Encourage: You don’t have competition if you’re not doing your best — let that sink in. Competition is not a threat, it’s an affirmation. No one is trying to compete with 100th place. So if you have competition, congrats. Now use that mindset to encourage others. Let’s say there is a race, 5 people take part but only one gets bronze, one gets silver, and one gets gold. If you are in that race, it is because you are capable of getting gold. Another thing to consider if you are in that race is that everyone else is also capable of getting gold. Regardless of extra factors, when it comes to crunch time, you are equals. So why not be friends? Think about it really, these are people who want exactly what you want. So in some respects, it means they have similar lifestyles, values, humour… seems like great company to me.

Advocate: There is enough success and opportunities to go around, that is why Asda, Tesco, Sainsbury's and M&S can all coexist. There is no point hoarding opportunities that are not meant for you. When something comes up, if you know it’s not meant for you, why not recommend others? It is a two-way stream. You can choose to build your own bridge, or join forces and help each other out. This is the reason why fashion brands can collaborate — because they understand that there is power in unity. Don’t just be a silent supporter, actually advocate for people around you. Don’t just leave it to the media to mention people; if you notice someone on their game and making moves — be the first to extend a helping hand. No one makes it alone, that’s a fact. Be part of someone else’s story.

Refresh: Finally, collaboration is an acknowledgement that you can’t do it all or know it all. It’s fact — we don’t know everything and we can’t do everything. Yet we still try to act as if we can. Successful people acknowledge this and actually incorporate it in their lifestyle. Something I noticed also from the Alcaraz documentary is that the people he once looked up to then became his competition, before the mantle was unofficially passed over to him. The former leading players didn’t resist this change. They embraced and encouraged it. When you reach a stage in your career, regardless of what it is, you should connect with younger people because they are the ones with fresh ideas and perspectives. Their look on things may even refresh and remind you why you started. They are not here to replace you, but to continue what you started in their own way. You can either be part of that narrative or simply forgotten.

It’s the circle of life.

Only way this will work

You may be reading this, thinking of one person in particular, with a tight knot in your throat: “I don’t want to talk to them.” First thing, identify what type of frenemy they are. Looks like a cinnamon roll but they can kill you, or looks like they can kill you but is actually a cinnamon roll (reference from a TikTok scroller). Only proceed if they are the latter.

This will only work out if you have the right mindset. Again, referring to Alcaraz, something I realised was that whenever something went wrong, they didn’t blame the performance, the training, or the external factors — it was always mindset. To be a high-profile, successful individual, you need the mindset of a champion. There is no amount of training that can equip you if you have the mindset of a failure. For example, why enter a room of equals and immediately embrace a sense of inferiority or superiority? Both are pointless and quite lonely.

Mentally assured individuals are able to recommend others and still think they will remain relevant. Mentally assured individuals can lose a competition, yet still enter another. Mentally assured people can go from first to second place, yet still believe they are worthy. It starts in the mind. You have to train it.

What works for me is that I truly and wholeheartedly believe that what is meant for me cannot miss me. I really believe that I am incapable of passing by an opportunity that has my name on it. That does not mean I get everything I want. That definitely doesn’t mean that I don’t cry when I miss out on my heart’s desires… you can read about one particular loss. But accepting that what is meant for me won’t miss me changed it all for me. I may spend time crying on the floor, wondering why it wasn’t the one — but after the tears, I get back up. If you stay on the floor, you’ll miss the next. There are some opportunities that actually could have been for you, but you miss them instead to learn a lesson. I digress (that is a whole blog in itself).

Bottom line: don’t covet others' success. Believe in yourself enough to have space to celebrate others' wins. Make sure to subscribe to this blog via email for updates on more blog posts — I have so much more to say on this…